I feel as though the demons I feared might try to take my life a few days ago instead stole my peace. First, a lapse back into my chief bad habit of scouring the internet to find certain films mostly of years past, this is an engraned addiction that is wrong that I have trouble with a lot , so I am struggling with that.... second, they tempted me with private impurity and I caved and felt so miserable and had so much self-loathing over it and sorrow for offending God. I guess with this I have the right mindset though because I feel no temptation to go down this path, and I loathe the sin. But the third part, which comes a day before I wanted to go to Confession, is the worst and I am really struggling with it.... Years ago, someone hurt me deeply. I won't go into all the minute details, but I trusted this person, thought they were one of my closest friends, only to find out that they didn't like me and they hurt me and wrote some cruel things about me when I had no way to defend myself. I had a mental breakdown over it, and I isolated myself for nearly two years over it. Anyway, today, I put something innocently up on the internet when this person, who I haven't spoken to in a long time, and nor has anybody for a while now, barges in to say that my admittedly speculative opinion on how something will unfold is wrong, and I am feeling so much internal frustration because I need to forgive my enemies no matter what, and this moment today brought back all the pain of being treated as a laughing stock by this person. And I fearI can't go to Confession if I don't get these feelings in line, even though I have begged God repeatedly over the years to help me forgive this person. I'll admit, I thought of verbally retaliating, but I didn't want to offend God anymore plus fighting with this person is a losing proposition always. Please pray for my deliverance. My anxiety over postponing confession increases every day. I want to get back to Him.
Don't keep going over bad events from the past. Firmly put them out of your mind and press ahead into deeper prayer. Strive to constantly deepen and deepen your prayer/ sacramental life.
Very worried about physical health issues at the moment but trying to pray and trust in God and His ways.
--- https://www.thedivinemercy.org/articles/good-news-about-sin The Good News About Sin By Marc Massery Turn to any page of St. Faustina’s Diary and you find spiritual gems. Like this one: … such great trust in God's great mercy was awakened in my soul that, even if I had had the sins of the whole world, as well as the sins of all the condemned souls weighing on my conscience, I would not have doubted God's goodness but, without hesitation, would have thrown myself into the abyss of the divine mercy, which is always open to us ... (Diary, 1552). Do you ever wonder if your sins are too big for God? I have good news for you. Even if you spent all your life committing the worst sins as often as you could, your sinfulness would still not compare with God’s mercy. Now, it’s not that sin isn’t bad. Sin offends the Lord, because it cuts us off from experiencing the fullness of His grace. The Catechism of the Catholic Church describes sin as “an offense against reason, truth, and right conscience; it is failure in genuine love for God and neighbor caused by a perverse attachment to certain goods. It wounds the nature of man and injures human solidarity. …” (1849). Despite the tragedy of sin, there’s only so much we can commit in this life. Sin has its limits. But God’s goodness and mercy are limitless. So no matter how poorly we may have conducted ourselves in our lives, we don't have to worry — our actions cannot diminish God’s goodness. Therefore, the Lord calls you and me to let the past be the past — we can’t change it. And since God’s mercy and goodness are limitless, He begs us not to despair. At any moment, all we have to do is turn to God and ask for forgiveness, knowing He longs to embrace us and restore our dignity. In the end, it just comes down to whether we are willing to trust in His Divine Mercy. If we choose to trust, He will meet us right where we are and begin (or begin again) to teach us how to love like He does. So let’s pray today, through the intercession of St. Faustina, that the Lord will give us the wisdom to see the limits of evil and the limitlessness of God’s mercy. Let’s pray that no matter what we may have done and confessed, the Lord may use all that we consider bad in our lives, even the bad that we consider own fault, and use it for good, to glorify His name.
--- May Jesus's promise comfort you: Day 4 of Fr. Dolindo's novena of surrender: "Jesus, You take care of it." You see evil growing instead of weakening? Do not worry. Close your eyes and say to me with faith: “Thy will be done, You take care of it.” I say to you that I will take care of it, and that I will intervene as does a doctor and I will accomplish miracles when they are needed. Do you see that the sick person is getting worse? Do not be upset, but close your eyes and say, “You take care of it.” I say to you that I will take care of it, and that there is no medicine more powerful than my loving intervention. By my love, I promise this to you. https://catholicexchange.com/the-surrender-novena-let-jesus-take-care-of-everything/
While you are praying, with focused attention on God, direct some of your attention on the area of your heart where you have pain. The Orthodox speak about pain in the heart eventually developing from doing the Jesus prayer, however by directing some attention there while praying relief comes among other things. I don't understand it entirely, but I believe it has something to do with the way God abides inside of us. It is part of the path.
I was thinking of the Sorrowful Virgin there now and how her greatest sufferings were tinted with great joys.The sun will rise tomorrow.
Feeling under attack spiritually this evening but have been doing better lately thank God. Trying to trust that the doubts and worries are not of God but of the evil one. Trying my best to amend the past.
