It is so long since I wrote on this 5th Garden, the prayer of Union and its effects that I have totally lost my way. But there is so much to tell I suppose it does not really matter. I will turn now to the effects of this prayer and the Word of God at this point, the Word of God which is, One word I think is so characteristic of the soul at this stage of its journey and this is, 'Hunger'; Deuteronomy 8:3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Nehemiah 9:15 In their hunger you gave them bread from heaven and in their thirst you brought them water from the rock; you told them to go in and take possession of the land you had sworn with uplifted hand to give them. Proverbs 16:26 The appetite of laborers works for them; their hunger drives them on. Proverbs 16:25-27 The Word of God is no longer dead but comes alive causing our hearts to burn within us. Luke 24:32 New International Version (NIV) 32 They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?” So that insted of possessing the word of God, it grows to possess us.
I am so enjoying this site! I was just thinking, I wonder if there is a thread on deepening our prayer, and here it is! SO happy to see that St Teresa of Avila is the first post, as being a 3rd Order Carmelite, we have to study her quite intensely. I would also recommend, especially to those new at Quiet Prayer, the book by Father Thomas Dubay, called THE FIRE WITHIN. As someone who was "thrown" into a spiritual life with some awesome supernatural events, I found this book to be a huge help to navigate through some of it, especially when most people I talked to about it looked at me as though I was nuts! I had been away from the Church for 15 years and was just a stupid 90s young lady who followed all the liberals of the time. After my night with Jesus, as I think of it, I thought ALL christians had these experiences like I had, and found out quickly they had not. I really did not talk to anyone about it after that, except my confessor, and a few close friends I had met in a Rosary cenacle I started attending.
I hope God leads you to share this story with us. I think you'll find here is that no one will laugh, except with joy.
Yes would love to! There is alot of it, and since Jesus did not tell me to publish it, I am a little worried that anything I say might confuse someone, as I am not a teacher for Him, and after so long, trying to describe something that is pretty much NOT describable, will be difficult. But what a joy to know people love Him and are eager for all news of Him! I almost went into dispair afterwards because no one seemed to love Him, or even think of Him much. I felt my own sins against Him and then everyone else callously doing it around me and cried for 2 weeks nonstop. I know now it was a normal part of the journey, but I really isolated myself and spent a good nine months with Him alone in prayer constantly....was amazing I got anything done on this earth but I did go to work and take care of my pets and myself LOL. This world did not seem to be reality at all, more like a dream world. Then finally I "came down from the mountain" per say and joined the living (or really the "dead" as thought of them!) who were my family and friends and co-workers, who really could have cared less about God at the time, and really got worried when I started reading the Bible front to back and quoting scripture at them. I was so thrilled that pretty much everything He had taught me or showed me WAS in scripture, as I had never bothered to learn any of the Gospel before that. Went to Catholic grade school so you'd think I would have know that the Son of God WAS God. I never really realized that until I saw him. Thats how dumb I was at the time.
I had to send this to someone as a favor for a holy person, so I am just going to copy and paste the first part of my apparition. You'll notice Jesus gave me a huge warning about adultry, and coming to Him in that state, so my message from Him has been mostly regarding the sacrament of Marriage. Here is my dialogue with her: o Hi Tracy! Of course I'll tell you. Not sure how much of the story/apparition you want to hear, but I'll start by giving you a brief intro. In Oct 1996 I found out my Dad who was in his 50s had terminal cancer, and at the same time that my husband of 7 years was having an affair with a girl on his volley ball team. I was not at all religious, a fallen away cradle catholic, but started praying the rosary for my marriage, begging Mary to help me. I told her I'd pray it every day for the rest of my life if she would reconcile our marriage. In Feb 1997 Joe left me for this woman and I was already having demonic/ghostly experiences in my house, which both me and Joe had blamed on my 1st fiance who had died in a car accident right before I met Joe. So I was scared to death to be alone, grieving, in a black hole, and apparently Mary would not or could not help me. I decided to commit suicide. I only had one night to do it too because the next day my husband was coming to pick up his things including his handgun. o Now looking back I can see that those demons that had split our marriage were egging me on that night, as I'm a pretty rational person, and had already been through extreme grief when Jay was killed so I knew I would eventually be alright. I remember saying out loud sitting there with the gun in my hand "wait...if I commit suicide I'll go to hell!" But then I figured that if there were a God He would have helped already, and that in death there would finally be peace, and nothingness. But just in case, I kneeled down by my bed where I was sitting holding the gun, and said "Lord, I know You don't really exist, but if you do, please don't condemn me for this. Please make it like I was just never born. I can't take this anymore....." o Immediately a beam of golden light came right down through my roof and into me, and filled me with such peace I could have died of joy! I KNEW finally God had heard me and had heeled me, and I then knew that no matter what happened between me and Joe I would be ok. I got down on my knees and praised and thanked God all night it seemed LOL. The next night I was still thanking and praising and I realized that I wanted to be a servant of God and live my life for Him, so I said, with my whole heart "What can I do for you Lord?" o Jesus appeared directly in front of me, glorious! beautiful! and dressed in light, and purple and scarlet robes and said these exact words to me, and then disappeared: "Love thy husband". Well after I got over the wow part of it a bit, I pondered the words and was NOT happy about them. Now that I was feeling better my first thoughts were to go back to Church, get an annulment, and God would help me find a GOOD husband. Clearly, I was still only thinking of myself o So I pondered and thought about this for the next 24 hours, and decided I hadn't really seen Jesus at all, and that since the Church gave everyone anullments it seemed, and everyone in the protestant churches were divorced and re-married and they were fine, why did I have to do this terrible thing, like continue to love my husband. He obviously didn't love me! So I went to my prayer before bed that night and again thanked the Lord for this peace, as I could still feel it like a caress, and begged him not to take it away, and then told Him I didn't really think I'd seen Him the night before (I'd never even heard of anyone having an apparition of Jesus, only of Mary, so I thought I was just so worn down from grief that my mind was playing tricks on me) o And so I told Him all these things, and how I was still young, and wanted a good husband and children, and how I would do really well this time and make God proud! and I WOULD love this new husband He found for me very much etc.. etc.. Jesus then appeared again to me in all His beautiful Glory, and I almost died on the spot of joy! I realized that He was God (I'd only thought of Him as the son of God before that, don't know why) and that I really didn't want any human or husband at all, only Jesus! I tried to touch Him, but He stood back, and said these words to me exactly "Love thy husband, as I have loved you!" and He was angry with me I could tell, as much as I could tell that He loved me more than His own life, and then He took me through my whole life, and showed me who He had always been right there with me, and how I had ignored Him, and never even bothered to turn and look or smile at Him or thank Him for anything! o He told me alot while I was with Him that night, it seemed like the whole night! And I asked him questions. The first thing He told me is that if I filled for divorce or annulment, I would be open to the gates of hell, for the mortal sin of adultry. He filled my heart with knowledge about Himself, and His holy Catholic Church, and told me that Satan's last efforts against Him were to break up every valid marriage on earth, and that almost 90 % of the people going to hell in this age was because of the sin of adultry, and many did not even think they were in sin because of the new teachings in alot of churches. o He said that marriage was a ifelong contract in which God directly signed with the woman and man (so there are actually three signatures on the marriage contract) and that if one leaves, the other two are still there. He told me what a valid marriage was, and I realized then that, yes, me and Joe had a valid marriage, but also realized that in many cases I had heard of, the Church had given annulments to valid marriages! In fact, VERY FEW marriages are NOT valid if they are of free will, both parties never been married at all before, and, intending to be faithful. So I said "if the Catholic Church has the authority to do this, and even if they do it wrongly, You must honor that, must You not? He said that they would still go to hell. I said but why? Don't you then honor the annument's if they are wrong but the Church hands them out? He said that He does honor them, but the people are still in the state of adultry, because He judges by the motives of the heart, and these people had adultry in their hearts. If they got an anullument, and the innocent spouse then thought that they were also free, and committed adultry, that they were also open to hell, and that the guilty spouse would have to pay for the loss of that soul too. o And He said that when we marry, we are bound spiritually to that person, and in the physical body also, and that each of us was just as responsible for our spouse's soul, as we were for our own. And then He showed me thousands of men, with such beautiful souls it took my breath away! and He said "tell me which of these souls is not diserving of your love for life?" and I said "none Lord! They are all so beautiful and loving! But what about men who are not good, and beat their wives etc?" And He said " all these souls you see were left by their wives because off all the valid reasons you speak of"
Sorry I had to leave for a while. I have show dogs and horses and goats to take care of and I'm still by myself, except for my angel, Gideon, of course LOL. I must tell you that many people get VERY angry about me not dating, and still loving my husband even though he is still gone. I could not go into a convent as I wanted, and became a 3rd order as I said, and so decided that I would "live in the world, but not be of the world" per say, and if anyone was sent to me by Jesus, that I could help them in any way, I would do that. So I work, and have show dogs, and have alot of secular good friends, who aren't at all religious. They call me "the flying nun" in a loving way, and "tolerate" me being a bigot and unenlightened as they think of us conservatives, because as some of them have said, I am so devout of God I really don't understand their ways, and don't mean any harm. Some of the guys at work used to call me "Poppins" because I was always so happy and cheerful, and I never swore, and I always wore long dresses to work (morning mass) LOL! Little do they know I pray for them always, and I smile alot at THEIR ways, and how blindly they follow the piper of this world, and what a shock they will have someday to see Him. But I am so very glad I was very much a sinner before conversion, because I was there myself, and can understand them too. I always tell them the truth of the gospel, and if I get some unreasonable hate, I then know the Holy Spirit is at work in them, and the seed is planted. Never be afraid to tell the Truth, because life is so short, and you never know who you might save for the Lord. But I think first and formost we must love our family's as that seems to be the hardest to do. Out of all the billions of soul born in all time God placed us with these souls! Anyway, sorry I'm sounding preachy. You guys certainly are very holy and are doing God's will. I only wanted to give you an idea of why I may seem a secular person and have other interests.
What graces you received from Our Lord.Thank you for sharing and may God continue to bless you!! Keep sharing--so interesting.
So back to quiet prayer....I have been practicing it daily since 2000, and do get alot of distractions still. But mostly, as soon as I go to "my place and shut the door" lately, Jesus begins talking. I have tried different approaches to this, making the sign of the cross, asking if it is really He, and to say His name if it is. Sometimes I stop my prayer altogether, because I am so afraid it is not Him, and I am offending Him by listening. Sometimes He seems hurt when I do this, and then I don't engage again until the next night, and He will start talking before I even go to the place I pray. He will say "this is supposed to be our time and you are reading a book" or something of that nature. He is always so sweet to me in His words, calling me His little obedient one, or encouraging me in this or that, and that is why I am having such a hard time discerning. I beg Him to protect me from error, and He just says "It is I my daughter, and there is so much to say to you" . He has been talking of scary things (only since Jan 2011) and I shut Him out because my life is going ok, and I am not ready to face the 'Warning on my own, I was hoping my husband would be back home by then. Am I making sense to anybody?
When I read about what is put up on this site. I think what holy people they are, and how they have been blessed with such special gifts. I hardly feel worthy in being here. But if you don't mind, I'd like to, as I'm trying very hard to make up for what I have done, and I just have to trust Jesus, that He will forgive me. Carmel333, I loved reading your story. Thankyou! Padraig, because of this site, last night I found and I read your story. Thankyou!
Jane, you are welcome here, and the forum is blessed that you are here. If we start comparing pasts as a validation to worthiness I'm in big trouble, BIG TROUBLE. We all come with separate gifts, charisms, and discernments. This is the Body of Christ, each part important. I've found the forum members to be open, kind, generous and very willing to share their wisdom and experiences. They are prayerful and give their hearts in prayer when needed. Here we can find food for the journey.
I enjoyed reading your story Carmel333. Several things stood out to me. NEVER be afraid to test the apparitions or voice of the Lord. You will never regret doing it. If the good Lord asks me to pray over someone I always ask for a simple conformation like, "if this is you Lord, then have the person say something regarding our Lady, or his/her mother." Then it happens...like clockwork...and I know...period. IF it doesn't happen, then I do not do it. I know its my own vanity speaking to me desiring the person to be healed because I feel sorry for them. I simply pray for them in my heart, offer a Mass etc. Secondly, I have to confirm your story, simply by my story. I, at one point in my 31 years of marriage wanted to leave my husband, had talked myself into it and figured God could figure out the details but I was sure an annulment would be given because I knew how it was done. I was standing by the water crying and mad and hurt and determined. I walked back to my car and put my hand on the handle of the car and Jesus said perfectly LOUD AND CLEAR--"Forgive him as I have forgiven you." My FIRST reaction was to say out loud, "What the heck did I do?" I can say dear friends---NEVER--NEVER---say that to God. In 2.5 seconds (it felt like 15 mins.) God gave me a GLIMPSE of my sinfulness. It was hard dragging my tail back and trying again, and again, but I wasn't someone who is a glutton for punishment, I deeply LOVED GOD. I many times told my husband to not make me choose between He and God, because I would choose God. Luckily, he truly got that I was serious. Now, I can say that 31 years has flown by and 7 kids later with 3 in heaven has been a joy and a cross. I was given the greatest gift my husband has ever given me on my 50th Birthday. He said, "You have followed me around the world in my desire to have a military career and dealt with things most wives would have jumped ship. You have schooled the kids, been mom and dad and put your desires on the back burner most of the time. I now give you as a gift the next 50 years of your life that I will follow you around and be there for you and wherever God leads you, I will go and support you in what God desires your work to be." I ONLY COULD REMEMBER THAT MOMENT STANDING BY THE CAR AND WHAT JESUS SAID. God is a merciful God and He sees all and knows all. I cannot speak for anyone else's life, just mine.
Code: He has been talking of scary things (only since Jan 2011) and I shut Him out because my life is going ok, and I am not ready to face the 'Warning on my own, I was hoping my husband would be back home by then. Am I making sense to anybody? I don't understand this. Could you explain this more? What kind of scary things? For a year and a half you have shut our Lord out? What if your husband doesn't come back and you are to love him (and forgive him, but get on with your life) DESPITE his leaving and its forever?
Lisa, it's just a suggestion but maybe you could think about sending your story on too Michael Brown at 'Spirit Daily' I think it would do so much good in the wider world out there. Of course pray about it first. But to me it seems a wonderful idea. Could save souls and help them.
Jane I think God uses up more energy creating and saving souls than He did the whole Universe. I also think HE has no favourites, He loves us all equally. We are all special. I think when we get to heaven one of the ways I am going to spend the first 100 million years is listening to peoples life stories and asking them questions. Everyone's story is a wonder. But first I have to walk my dogs up those green mountains for 500 million years and have a beer with the angels for 1000 million and share a whiskey or two with certain Irisih saints for five 1000 million..and.... Party time.
Wow its so amazing to have people that actually have experienced similar to what I did! Thank you so much Mother Superior for sharing your story! Words can not express how glad I am I found you guys. What I would have done to find you 15 years ago when it seemed I had NO one that understood. Even my Carmelite Brother who was my provincial told me that he had never had any similar experiences, and so did not feel he could be my spirit. director. He did give me some excellant advice, and I have followed it since. He said of course not to look for these gifts, and even try to turn away, but if the Lord asked me to do something and it was more reverant to Him or did not go against the Church teachings or my Carm Rule, I could do it. Also he said I must always be obiediant to the Catholic Church and my Rule first and formost, because thats what God loves best. Anyway, great advice about the holy water. I actually do have it in my room, along with an altar of prayer stuff like relics and an amazing crucifix. I think every night before starting prayer I will sprinkle it around. Oh I have to show you my crucifix, its 3 feet tall.
Jane, Bless you, your desire to please Jesus is very comforting to Him I'm sure. That is already the deepest form of prayer, your desire in the "darkness" so to speak. You are the one He blessed when He told Thomas "blessed are those who have NOT seen and yet believed"! That being said, do not be surprised if you do start receiving some gifts. You may have already and just not known what they were. The Book THE FIRE WITHIN by Thomas Dubay is a great book to help determine the gifts we've received. Example: a tendancy to "drift off" in a peaceful place, and really not be connected to the world. I did that so much in school I wastaken to the doc to see if I had epilepsy. Another is a "wanting" so deep that nothing fills, and you can never figure out what it is. That is God gently calling. Another is a touch from God where you suddenly feel good and loved all over in an unimaginable way. There are lots of examples, and sometimes we just have to know how to "turn and look at Jesus" in our hearts to connect with Him. Of course we can't force Him to give us gifts, but remember He is a very loving God who DESIRES to connect with us in this deep way. All of us are called to this deep prayer, most of us have just never been taught that which is a shame.
So I too want to get back to the "scary stuff" that God was showing you. What was it? Does it compare with the stuff we've talked about here before? I too have wondered about being alone for the Warning and this last week I'm starting to think that's exactly what the Lord has in mind. Kinda weird things have created a wedge between my family and myself lately, stuff that won't heal rapidly, if ever.. I can't second guess the Lord and it makes me crazy to try so my only solution is to go to the chapel and be with Him. I think I'm back to 'surrender'.
Sorry, my computer is so slow and typing is slow. I tried my Kindle Fire but it won't let me respond, only Like things. Anyway, Ive mentioned that in January 2011 He told me the Warning was imminent and to "cling tightly to Me, this next year or so will be catastrophic" Since then I really have been looking alot on the internet trying to find info on the Warning, and found Maria Divine Mercy's site. I have been following it, so now while I'm praying, if I hear things in my heart, I'm not sure if it' s locutions, or just my phsych talking because it's similar to what she is getting. Now I've just been basically shutting it out and as I said, Jesus will prompt me to go to start prayer because He says He has so much I need to know, and I'm afraid of hearing. I have a good life, own my home,like my job, have good friends, have a blast showing my Newfs... This I tell you because someone mentioned maybe I should move on, and truly I have! But it's my prayer life that makes living worthwhile most definately! I also asked for more suffering and was given Rhumatoid Arthritis, and even with meds is pretty bad, but its great to offer up all the pain and stiffness. Anyway, I'm not afraid for myself really, but I have so many animals and Jesus keeps saying the Angels will protect them, but I still am worried. I've seen demons before, and I know how they will hurt me anyway they can. Also I think Jesus wants me to start warning my friends about the Warning, which I did in 1998 and now of course no one believes me as nothing has happened. I am afraid to talk about it now to them, as I'm afraid it will turn them off Jesus and the Church if it shouldn't happen.....does this make sense you guys?
It makes sense to me and I understand you perfectly, because I'm in a similar position regarding the warning. I also started talking about it for over 15 years (with my close family because I have no courage to talk about it with strangers) and now they laugh when I say (again) that I think it is imminent: "there he is again with his idiosyncrasy, get real..."
